How To Talk About Books Online
If you’ve been anywhere near a computer in the last twenty years, then you know how tough it can be to pull a productive conversation out of the rank, spaghetti-bowl of opinions that we call the internet. And if you’ve some (or any) of that time on social media, then you’ve probably experienced the effects of the current state of our public discourse for yourself. This article isn’t about the problem. We all know it’s there, and probably won’t go away any time soon.
But you and I? We don’t have to participate.
And that’s how change starts.
Understanding The Problem
So what’s the root of the issue here? In a word: algorithms. In two more words: human nature.
Readers and authors alike are drawn to social media, blogs, and bookish websites because, like the ultrasocial creatures we are (yes, even you introverts. I see you), we crave connection. And we especially crave connections with people who enjoy the same things we do. Way back when the wooly mammoths roamed the earth, our tribe—our pack, our herd, our people—were our only protection. If the tribe decided they didn’t like you and kicked you out, you were dire wolf food.
In modern times, we face a lot less danger in our day-to-day lives. (Even from recently resurrected dire wolves, luckily.) The problem is, on an evolutionary timeline, the switch from “danger’s-all-around-and-you-probably-won’t-make-it-past-thirty” to “you’re-really-safe-and-can-probably-expect-to-enjoy-a-long-and-full-life” happened in less than an eyeblink.
The conundrum? Your brain still reacts to threats, especially social ones, as if they’re literally life-threatening. And if you don’t realize this, your caveman brain will run away with your emotions and actions faster than a racehorse at the Kentucky Derby.
Now, social media companies, being the ultrapowerful, greedy geniuses they are, capitalize on this by using their algorithms to serve you more of what you react to—for good and bad. Their goal is to keep you on the platform for as long as possible. And, unfortunately, that sometimes means tricking your brain into thinking you have to “defend your turf, your people, your tribe” against existential internet-stranger threats.
And that’s how good people end up doing and saying things online that they never imagined they were capable of, and would never have said in person. It’s also how good people get tricked or strong-armed into backing agendas, leaders, and endless lists of rules and regulations that they don’t feel comfortable with but are too afraid to call out.
So How Do You Not Fall Into The Trap?
Simple. Screen deliberately.
Now, note that I said “simple,” not “easy.” You are ultimately in control of yourself. You don’t choose your emotions, and yes, they can be rough, especially when something you love—your dearly held opinions, your favorite genre, authors, characters, themes, or maybe even books you wrote—are being criticized, denigrated, and laughed at in ways that can feel searingly personal.
But you are in charge of what you do with those feelings. There is always a choice. (Can you tell I’m the mother of young kids? Turns out, the lessons are still shockingly relevant to adults!)
Here are a few rules of thumb that I use when a) I want to storm into a conversation and lay waste to everyone and everything, or b) capitulate and people-please so that I can feel like I have friends.
Don’t write anything you wouldn’t say out loud. Remember, these are real people you’re talking to. They have feelings as acute as yours, and even if they seem like idiots, their behavior makes sense to them. Responding with dignity will win you true friends who respect you because you’ve demonstrated that you’re trustworthy, even—maybe especially—when you’re online.
You don’t actually have to respond. As they say, most of maturity is just realizing when not to express an opinion. There’s a time and a place, and you’re better off spending the energy on finding said time and place instead of wasting it on people who aren’t going to change their minds.
Hold to your convictions. I was proud of the authors who recently stood up to the SPSFC during their “code of conduct” drama. There are many cliques in the book world, and some are run by people who appear to have a lot of power and influence. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you want them on your team.
You don’t have to people please. What they think of you is none of your business. Be polite. Have dignity. Allow them theirs. But don’t compromise your standards, morals, and values for the sake of temporary social approval (in the end, it will leave you hollow.)
Other people feel like you do. First off, most people are looking around and wondering how we got here. Most people want to be civil, even to people they disagree with. Far more of us want to be pro-social than jerks. Second, no matter what niche you read, your people are out there! You might have to do some work, but if you ask around, you will find them.
Respect your differences. No book is for everyone. Come into conversations with an attitude of curiosity. Be willing to sincerely listen to other people’s worldviews (while also recognizing that listening and agreeing aren’t the same thing). You might be surprised at how willing they are to listen to you in turn.
In the end, we’re all just people who want to come together over something we love: stories. Let’s be the change.
